My boyfriend and I were talking today about how I feel crappy every time I look at our house because majority of the time it is never clean as a whole. When I do a thorough clean I end up always stopping half way and it stays like that for days sometimes weeks. For example, I did a wicked clean of our room, the hall and the kitchen last week when I talked about cleaning. Then it kind of just ended at the living room and the computer area. To this day that side of the house still hasn’t been touched.
This conversation I had with him then led into a conversation about how when I want to put off cleaning, my daughter and I go upstairs to my in-laws and essentially hide from the mess. I look at it as the less I am faced with it, the longer I can procrastinate. This continued into how it kind of sucks that we don’t have a completely function space yet, and how it would be a lot better if it was. Then of course, the money conversation started, about how we don’t have the means to continue the reno right now.
Having this whole conversation with him made me realize something. When we lived with my parents for 8 months last year, all we kept talking about was how we would prefer to have more than a room to ourselves. How different it would be once we moved in with my in-laws and were able to create our home. The realization that I had was that I’m pretty negative… I’m not the type of person who is always negative (at least not anymore), but when it comes to certain things my first thought process is negative. I love the family we’ve created, it makes me really happy. But I’ve always been the type of person that has been content with the way life is but not necessarily with the life style. I love my family but want a home, or more money, or a better job. There’s always something better than what I have. It’s always about possessions.
My boyfriend and I have always been far more mature than other people our age, but with that maturity I always forgot how old we were. I always felt like we were slacking because we didn’t have our own home or (at the time) a family. The funny thing is we’re 22 years old, I shouldn’t have these expectations that we should own a home, as well as have a family. It’s unrealistic. Of course there is always going to be some things that I want to change or tweek, but I shouldn’t be trying to rush our life to get to our goal so quickly. Don’t get me wrong some people make a goal, they stick to wanting to achieve it and they reach their end game in a time frame that blows people’s minds. I’ve never been with good with making goals and trying to reach them realistically, because of that I’ve always felt like I have these unrealistic expectations which is a crappy way to live. With unrealistic expectations come disappointment which leads me to depression.
I don’t want to continue to look at my life like it should be at a different point. It becomes very easy to spiral and think things should be different or if time was to fast forward we would be at a different stage, possibly one where those unrealistic expectations are finally met. The problem with that is then I want time to fast forward, I want to get to those stages faster, but the reality is I don’t want to speed up time. If I did I would be speeding up the time we have with our family dog, and I would be speeding up the growth of my child, or the birth/growth of another. That’s not something I would want to lose just to be farther along on a ridiculous goal. I would much rather remind myself that although there are things I would like to change, there is time to worry about that later, I have to remember to stay present and enjoy it with my family. I have to stop wanting to rush certain stages. You can’t rush one stage without the other.